My Beautiful Wickedness


The world has moved on…have I?
January 16, 2008, 8:38 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

This morning, I’m sitting at my kitchen table doing class prep and reading the news on-line. It’s coincidence that my favorite morning spot all year long is drenched with direct sun on the morning of my birthday and for a week or so after that. December is my most sun-starved time (my kingdom for a photon!) and it’s very pleasurable to watch the steam curl up from my coffee cup and get hit full in the face with some rays.Today I notice that the sunlight is slant, retreating left to right in the ordinary way of the seasons. The light falls across my fingers only briefly now now, shadows elongating as they spread up the wall. It’s a good reminder that time is passing. I know I’m getting older. I’m beginning to see hunched-over women on the street, people whose weight over the years has left them hobbled in their joints, men who swing one leg a little more stiffly than the other to walk with that rocking gait that reminds me so much of my father. I identify with them more than the younger kids gesturing with one hand, the other up to their ear, walking in this world but mentally sitting in someone’s living room in Schenectady.  Only so many walks in snow like this, kids — notice it. I am passing, left to right.  Whatever something I have intended to do to get in better shape, to ease myself as I age should be done now.  I’ve lived most of the last twenty years in a kind of dissassociative suspension, though — letting my brain grow large and wooly, living in other centuries for months at a time (occupational hazard), and now I feel like I need to come back fully present to enjoy every minute of my now, now, now as it passes.    Edited to add: Isn’t it funny? For me, always looking south, the east-to-west of the sun’s daily route is left to right. I suppose it’s not that way for people of a different diaspora. 

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