My Beautiful Wickedness


Homesick
November 8, 2007, 11:01 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

This happens to me nearly every time I slow down enough to let it.

I get homesick.

I miss Kentucky, of course. That’s where my mom is. That’s where I came to know myself as a part of a family, my first experience of place in the cabin where so many generations of us have grown up. My family is pretty well-known in the county, lots of high school athletes, musicians, valedictorians, and such, so that’s where I began to realize that my actions reflects on other people who shared my name.

I miss Avon — not the Cleveland suburb as it is now, but the farms that are no longer there, the house that is no longer there, the dog that is dead twenty years and more. Certain memories make no sense to anyone but me, as all the others involved are dead or lost through time’s evaporations. It doesn’t matter to anyone that we had a pink rotary dial phone, not even to me so much, but I realize that at a certain point, my mental map will be filled with all these disappeared useless landmarks and souvenirs. How much junk in the attic do I really need?

But mostly today, I’m missing Iowa. I read the newspaper and get bummed out that I can’t see the shop windows, can’t go to my old church, can’t take Kid to play in the park across from our old house.

I get impatient with this sentimentalism. Nostalgia is a trap and I like living my life moving forwards. I’m not using this as a means of measurement — life better, life worse — but rather just luxuriating in memories that when I come out of them only make me feel bummed out by a life that lacks richness.

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1 Comment so far
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I’m genuinely curious…what do you see as ‘less rich’ about now, versus Kentucky or Avon-as-you-remember it.?

And, of course I’m peeved that my only memory of the Avon house is an embarrassingly drunken/hungover blur…

Gawd, meself and the men were the awfulest house guests *ever.*

And then your Mom cooked for us…

I’ll never forget how wretched I felt
(completely beside my third worst hangover ever)

About being part of this insane imposition on your mom.

About getting you in trouble

About the situation riling up your Dad so that he had to turn around and bitch at your Mom…

Man.

Comment by imfunny2




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