My Beautiful Wickedness

So this is how it happens.
July 17, 2007, 9:36 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

You lie in bed one night and realize “hey, I’m past zenith.” The days are still long, long enough for anything one might reasonably choose, but the time for making choices is just fractionally shorter and the knowledge that one must live in the lengthening shadows cast by those choices nags. The night air is cooling a bit, not enough to put on an extra blanket. 42. Twice 42 would be 84. All my grandparents were dead by 84. Decide. Decide. No guarantees. Could die tomorrow. Or right now. How’s the heartbeat? Heartbeat good, probably will wake up tomorrow. But then what? What is required? Effort. Just make an effort. Day at a time. Consolations of literature and love, tomorrow’s coffee taken at a sunny table, resolve to make it count, what nonsense these frantic plans this is not how life actually occurs, more like hopping on stepstones than like driving a highway. Learn to accept the wobble and the splash.

Roll over and move into his warmth, pull the blanket up over your shoulder. Listen to his breath, slowly measuring your time together. Consent to lose a few hours, release the monkey mind into the tangled jungle of sleep.


4 Comments so far
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Thoughts like this are only made worse when you awaken in your childhood bed, on a visit home to your aging parents.

I feel like I’m paying a call to entropy.

Comment by Katherine Coble

Ah, yes. That’s next week.

Comment by bridgett

[…] thought of this as I read this eloquent post from Bridgett.  I’ve quite recently been though that particular valley of the shadow of death, when […]

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It’s not the amount of time left…(we know this) it’s the valuable things learned done given, received and seen in that span…

But I grant you…midlife makes one nervous…

Comment by imfunny2

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