My Beautiful Wickedness

The Beauty Of the Rain is How it Falls
March 15, 2007, 8:24 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Today’s a Dar Williams kind of day. Grey and sort of cold, but not yet sleety. A day to turn on a lamp, curl up in an afghan and read a book, nice big cup of coffee or tea at the ready. A “hey, cramps seem to go on forever when you’re perimenopausal” sort of day. A “hey, crap, here’s another bill due that I hadn’t seen and my money’s already spent” day.

I think I’m on the edge of clinical depression. I’m gaining weight, I sleep poorly when I sleep, my memory fuzzes out (historians who can’t remember anything — irony piled on irony)…sentences trail off…feel all disconnected and anxious all the time…missing deadlines because I can’t concentrate…

I’ve been depressed before. It’s been about eight years since the last doozy. I never seek therapy, never do the drugs…I just clunk out and then bootstrap my way through it. I’m also pretty good about figuring out when I’m about to nosedive and trying to do something to turn myself around. Now is the time for me to do that.

So. Today I’m getting rid of foolish self-created stress. There are things that I am not going to accomplish today and no one’s life will end because of it. A few 18-year-olds might be inconvenienced slightly, but they will survive the experience. I’ll work steadily today and see where I wind up when I have to pick up my kid from school. I’ve made a list, put the tasks in priority order, and will tackle them in that order. Nothing needs to feel like a crisis — got to keep that sense of perspective. I just can’t let work send me off the deep end when I have so many other more important things in my life to be healthy for.


2 Comments so far
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I’ve seen some lifting of it since the endlessmindlesshugevatsofSNOW stopped falling…

Go walking in the sun….

Comment by imfunny2

Awww. *hugs* I know how that can be. I’m actually pretty much there myself. Everything except the ‘gaining weight’ part, for which you can substitute ‘episodes of escalating panic,’ thanks to my Dear Friend Adderall. I haven’t wanted to eat in weeks, but I have managed to get so wigged out that I had to leave work Right That Minute, what with the not-concentrating and the nerves and the jitters and the unreasoning mind-in-circles fear.

But! I’m not here to compare woes. I’m here to offer comfort, however I can.

(And to be totally jazzed that you mentioned Dar Williams. A friend turned me on to her in college, and it always makes me happy when other people know who she is. Now if you mention Heather Alexander, there will be no question that we’re really the same person, just a decade or two apart.)

Comment by magniloquence

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